Love
Those of you that have known me for a long time know that I absolutely love quotes...and one of my all time favorites is:
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Alfred Lord Tennyson
This holds so much meaning for me. Through loss, you learn so much about yourself. I have learned more about how strong love is. With each new experience you take what you have learned and some how learn to love even more...love harder and love stronger. When I look into my husband and child's eyes is hard to comprehend that I could possibly love harder and stronger. But each new day, I learn that I can and I do.
Loss
March 5, 2010
I woke early that morning. I was eager to take another pregnancy test. I just knew I was pregnant!! A few days prior I had taken my first test and it was negative. However, I had “that feeling”. I knew life was growing inside of me. I was patient and waited a few days. As those days passed I was aware of the changes I was experiencing. Changes that just confirmed “that feeling.” At 5am on March 5th I took the test, although faint, it was positive! I went back to bed and lie awake for another hour until Brian woke up. I had planned in my head many different ways to tell him over the previous weeks. I wanted to wait. I wanted it to be a big surprise. Conveniently, we had already planned for a very rare date night. That was perfect! We would have even more reason to celebrate. During the day I ran out and bought Carson Carson Carson
We spent a wonderful evening, just the two of us and planned for our family of four….
March 19, 2010
We had big plans for the weekend and I had no idea how I was going to get it all done. Family was on their way into town and we were expecting 35+ guests at our house the next day to celebrate Carson
Around 11 am I called Brian in tears as he waited for his prescription. I told him I think we might be loosing the baby. He met me at my doctor who diagnosed a “threatened miscarriage”. The pregnancy was still visible, but was not measuring where it should at 6-7 weeks. She told me what to expect over the next few days in the event that it was a miscarriage and sent us on our way with a follow up appointment on Monday. We came home to share the news with Brian’s mom who was in town for Carson
All I could think while I was out shopping was, “What horrible timing.” We had a wonderful weekend planned and we were going through such grief. In hindsight, it was perfect timing, if such could be possible. We had friends and family surrounding us and had a wonderful distraction to get us through the hardest part.
The next day was perfect. Although cold and rainy, our closest friends and family celebrated with us and not a word was spoken. The hugs were held a little longer and I knew the meaning behind it. The next few days were hard but they eventually got a little easier. On Monday the doctor confirmed a “spontaneous, complete miscarriage.”
Life
April 24, 2010
Here it is again… “that feeling!!!” But how could it be?!?! It’s only been 5 weeks after the loss of our pregnancy. Earlier that week the doctor had only just reported that my hormone levels were finally back to 0.
Brian was golfing and I decided to take a test while Carson Carson Carson
The doctor confirmed the pregnancy on Monday, April 26th and ordered more blood draws every 3-4 days to ensure my hormone levels were increasing as they should. As sure as those home pregnancy tests said “pregnant” my levels went from 0 on April 20th to 212 on April 26th to 951 on April 29th and 4302 on May 3rd. We were pregnant!!!
We decided to share the news with close family only. Although we never regretted sharing the news with the world pretty much after we read the first positive pregnancy test the first time and second, we decide to wait.
Our first doctor’s appointment and ultrasound was on May 10th. We saw a perfectly round ‘lil spec on the screen. It was the most beautiful round spec I had seen in 52 days (since we last saw the one we lost). The emptiness I felt since seeing absolutely nothing on that screen the time before was finally feeling more bearable. It was only then that I really truly felt how much I had loved that ‘lil spec that was lost 7 weeks prior.
Brian and I celebrated with cautious optimism. We celebrated his birthday the weekend after and then went back to the doctor the day before we left on our vacation to Cabo San Lucas , Mexico
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
I have struggled over the weeks with why I felt compelled to share the whole story of our journey to be a family of four. With great sadness I experienced the loss of 4 pregnancies of my closest friends over the past 2 years before ours. As heartbreaking as it was for them, I was there, I listened, I grieved with them and I learned. I learned that Brian and I could not have endured this journey with such grace and ease without the love and support of our family and friends. I had many conversations and read many stories of those experiences and I appreciate them so much for sharing their experiences with me. As mentioned before, I never regretted telling the world of our pregnancy and now of our loss. And I thank God that I was there to grieve with and support my friends as they endured the same journey. Unfortunately, yet another dear friend experienced the loss of her pregnancy shortly after ours. I only hope that what I have experienced through my friends and our own experience helped her in her journey as well.
We look forward to sharing this journey with you all.
