I found this article in a newsletter my company sends out and I wanted to share it with all of you. I used to be the eternal optimist...unfortunately I have steered away from that in many aspects of my life. Optimism leads to happiness...and we could all use some of that!
Hope you enjoy this article and can employ some of the suggestions with your own children. We need a few more optimists these days...wouldn't you agree??
Hope you enjoy this article and can employ some of the suggestions with your own children. We need a few more optimists these days...wouldn't you agree??
Raising Optimistic Children
Optimism is important in many areas of life, such as work, health, and relationships. People with a positive outlook tend to live longer, have more stable relationships, experience less stress, and have fewer illnesses. Plus, optimists are more likely than pessimists to employ the persistence often required for success, and optimistic teams have been shown to perform better than pessimistic ones. While a positive outlook may seem to come more naturally to some children than others, there are ways that parents can steer their children toward optimism. You can raise an optimistic child by setting your child up to find happiness, helping your child discover a sense of control, and, of course, setting a positive example.
Laying a foundation for happiness
Research has shown many connections between happiness and optimism, so it’s not surprising that experts suggest that raising an optimistic child involves raising a happy one. In his book The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, Dr. Edward Hallowell proposes a five-step model to explain what children need in order to build the foundation for a happy and satisfied adulthood.
1. Connect. Help your child build connections to others. Studies have shown that social connections are important to both physical and emotional well-being. Nurture your own bond with your child by showing him your unconditional love. Then help him expand his connections to family, friends, and others. Help your child connect to organizations, school, and activities, too.
2. Play. Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to play. Hallowell describes play as any activity that engages imagination. It also allows a child to explore her world and determine where she fits into it most enthusiastically. This is important to discover because people who are happiest at work feel as though they are playing, not working.
3. Practice. Let your child practice what he loves. When children find something they love to play at, they want to do it over and over again, whether it’s throwing and catching a ball, telling a story with puppets, or singing a favorite song. Children who practice an activity because of their own enthusiasm for it are on their way to becoming responsible, self-disciplined adults. They do what needs to be done in a disciplined fashion -- out of enthusiasm, not out of guilt or fear.
4. Mastery. Help your child see or even track her progress. As children practice at an activity that engages them, they naturally get better at it. The satisfaction they get from improvement leads to self-confidence and motivation.
5. Recognition. Recognize your child’s progress and efforts. A simple pat on the back or approving glance will let your child know that he’s on the right track. Recognition from others can also help a child feel that he is noticed and appreciated as a part of a group. Children who feel connected to a wider group are inclined to protect it. Those who feel overlooked, devalued, and left out are more likely to act out against others.
Hallowell suggests that parents put most of their energy into the first two steps, connection and play, and let the rest follow. Avoid focusing only on the third and fourth step by demanding practice or expecting mastery. Many children already feel the pressure to be the best at anything they do, and feel a global sense of failure if they aren’t number one. But it’s important for children to feel that they can continue to engage in activities they enjoy even if they do not master them -- whether in sports, the arts, or other fields. Children often feel that an activity is only worth pursuit if they can succeed at it. You can help foster your child’s interest in exploring new activities by correcting such misconceptions and by showing your child that she can do an activity for the pure enjoyment of it. As Dr. Hallowell puts it, "What you need for long-term joy and achievement is a solid foundation of connection and play. If you get those engines started in childhood -- connection and play -- you will feel there’s nothing that you can’t handle, or that you can’t handle as part of a team."
Research has shown many connections between happiness and optimism, so it’s not surprising that experts suggest that raising an optimistic child involves raising a happy one. In his book The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness, Dr. Edward Hallowell proposes a five-step model to explain what children need in order to build the foundation for a happy and satisfied adulthood.
1. Connect. Help your child build connections to others. Studies have shown that social connections are important to both physical and emotional well-being. Nurture your own bond with your child by showing him your unconditional love. Then help him expand his connections to family, friends, and others. Help your child connect to organizations, school, and activities, too.
2. Play. Make sure your child has plenty of opportunities to play. Hallowell describes play as any activity that engages imagination. It also allows a child to explore her world and determine where she fits into it most enthusiastically. This is important to discover because people who are happiest at work feel as though they are playing, not working.
3. Practice. Let your child practice what he loves. When children find something they love to play at, they want to do it over and over again, whether it’s throwing and catching a ball, telling a story with puppets, or singing a favorite song. Children who practice an activity because of their own enthusiasm for it are on their way to becoming responsible, self-disciplined adults. They do what needs to be done in a disciplined fashion -- out of enthusiasm, not out of guilt or fear.
4. Mastery. Help your child see or even track her progress. As children practice at an activity that engages them, they naturally get better at it. The satisfaction they get from improvement leads to self-confidence and motivation.
5. Recognition. Recognize your child’s progress and efforts. A simple pat on the back or approving glance will let your child know that he’s on the right track. Recognition from others can also help a child feel that he is noticed and appreciated as a part of a group. Children who feel connected to a wider group are inclined to protect it. Those who feel overlooked, devalued, and left out are more likely to act out against others.
Hallowell suggests that parents put most of their energy into the first two steps, connection and play, and let the rest follow. Avoid focusing only on the third and fourth step by demanding practice or expecting mastery. Many children already feel the pressure to be the best at anything they do, and feel a global sense of failure if they aren’t number one. But it’s important for children to feel that they can continue to engage in activities they enjoy even if they do not master them -- whether in sports, the arts, or other fields. Children often feel that an activity is only worth pursuit if they can succeed at it. You can help foster your child’s interest in exploring new activities by correcting such misconceptions and by showing your child that she can do an activity for the pure enjoyment of it. As Dr. Hallowell puts it, "What you need for long-term joy and achievement is a solid foundation of connection and play. If you get those engines started in childhood -- connection and play -- you will feel there’s nothing that you can’t handle, or that you can’t handle as part of a team."
Giving the right kinds of praise
Praise helps children know when they are on the right track, and it’s easier to be optimistic when headed in the right direction. But some types of praise can backfire and stifle optimistic tendencies. Here are some tips to keep praise positive.
• Recognize your child’s efforts, not just his accomplishments. Praising him only for his achievements will make your child feel as though he has to achieve to earn your love. Make sure to acknowledge your child’s persistence and hard work, too.
• Praise your child for things that are within her control. Avoid praising her for potentially fleeting characteristics like beauty or athleticism. What happens if she loses that characteristic?
• Provide sincere praise. Parents who are aware of the link between self-esteem and happiness often make the mistake of praising their child for every accomplishment, no matter how small. But this teaches children that they will receive praise no matter what they do. Praise your child often, but make sure it’s for your child’s larger efforts, not everyday tasks like brushing teeth or picking up toys (unless these are new skills for your child).
Helping your child establish a sense of control
Optimistic people believe that they can have an impact on their environment. You can help your child discover this control with the following tips.
• Choose activities that are active, not passive. For example, select toys that do something in response to your child’s actions instead of toys that encourage children to watch passively. Spend family night playing games instead of watching TV.
• Give your child choices. Let him choose between wearing the red shirt or the blue one, between eating carrots or peas, between spending his allowance or saving for a bicycle. These kinds of choices allow your child to establish a sense of control over his life within the limits you set.
• Help your child make thoughtful decisions. Talk with her about the pros and cons of each option along with their potential consequences.
• Teach your child to be a problem solver. Work with him to analyze problems, brainstorm solutions, and design and test strategies. Help him to develop a realistic sense of the amount of effort and time it may take to achieve results on different tasks and problems.
• Encourage persistence. Remind your child that success often comes after several tries. Working through challenges that require several attempts can contribute to a can-do attitude.
• Help your child learn from negative feelings and experiences. Acknowledge your child’s emotions -- both positive and negative -- and help her to become aware of and understand her feelings. Talk about how outcomes might be changed by a different approach. For example, say something like, "You were angry because you didn’t get a chance to bat today. How can you be sure to get a turn at the next game?"
• Help your child develop realistic expectations. Optimism doesn’t mean expecting that everything will go your way. In fact, unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment. Help your child distinguish between the two.
• Label behaviors, not people. If a parent tells a child that he is "bad," the child may believe it and feel as though attempts to be good are pointless. Instead of telling your child that he is naughty for teasing his sister, explain that teasing can be hurtful. ("I love you, but I don’t love what you are doing.")
• Introduce your child to the joy of helping others in ways that are meaningful to her. A toddler may feel proud to help set the table or wash the family car. School-age children may enjoy caring for others by feeding the cat or visiting an older relative. Teenagers may wish to help others as part of a group, by participating in activities such as a soup kitchen or holiday toy drive. Helping others will show your child that she can make a difference to others.
Praise helps children know when they are on the right track, and it’s easier to be optimistic when headed in the right direction. But some types of praise can backfire and stifle optimistic tendencies. Here are some tips to keep praise positive.
• Recognize your child’s efforts, not just his accomplishments. Praising him only for his achievements will make your child feel as though he has to achieve to earn your love. Make sure to acknowledge your child’s persistence and hard work, too.
• Praise your child for things that are within her control. Avoid praising her for potentially fleeting characteristics like beauty or athleticism. What happens if she loses that characteristic?
• Provide sincere praise. Parents who are aware of the link between self-esteem and happiness often make the mistake of praising their child for every accomplishment, no matter how small. But this teaches children that they will receive praise no matter what they do. Praise your child often, but make sure it’s for your child’s larger efforts, not everyday tasks like brushing teeth or picking up toys (unless these are new skills for your child).
Helping your child establish a sense of control
Optimistic people believe that they can have an impact on their environment. You can help your child discover this control with the following tips.
• Choose activities that are active, not passive. For example, select toys that do something in response to your child’s actions instead of toys that encourage children to watch passively. Spend family night playing games instead of watching TV.
• Give your child choices. Let him choose between wearing the red shirt or the blue one, between eating carrots or peas, between spending his allowance or saving for a bicycle. These kinds of choices allow your child to establish a sense of control over his life within the limits you set.
• Help your child make thoughtful decisions. Talk with her about the pros and cons of each option along with their potential consequences.
• Teach your child to be a problem solver. Work with him to analyze problems, brainstorm solutions, and design and test strategies. Help him to develop a realistic sense of the amount of effort and time it may take to achieve results on different tasks and problems.
• Encourage persistence. Remind your child that success often comes after several tries. Working through challenges that require several attempts can contribute to a can-do attitude.
• Help your child learn from negative feelings and experiences. Acknowledge your child’s emotions -- both positive and negative -- and help her to become aware of and understand her feelings. Talk about how outcomes might be changed by a different approach. For example, say something like, "You were angry because you didn’t get a chance to bat today. How can you be sure to get a turn at the next game?"
• Help your child develop realistic expectations. Optimism doesn’t mean expecting that everything will go your way. In fact, unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment. Help your child distinguish between the two.
• Label behaviors, not people. If a parent tells a child that he is "bad," the child may believe it and feel as though attempts to be good are pointless. Instead of telling your child that he is naughty for teasing his sister, explain that teasing can be hurtful. ("I love you, but I don’t love what you are doing.")
• Introduce your child to the joy of helping others in ways that are meaningful to her. A toddler may feel proud to help set the table or wash the family car. School-age children may enjoy caring for others by feeding the cat or visiting an older relative. Teenagers may wish to help others as part of a group, by participating in activities such as a soup kitchen or holiday toy drive. Helping others will show your child that she can make a difference to others.
Maintaining a positive focus
It’s easier to develop a positive attitude when you’re around positive people. Be one of those positive people for your child. Use the following tips to direct your focus.
• Focus on the positive. Encourage positive dialogue with your child by asking positive questions, such as "What part of the game did you like best?" or "What did you learn at school today?"
• Notice positive behavior. Avoid giving negative feedback for minor behavior issues, such as "Stop arguing!" Try pointing out positive behavior instead, such as, "You two are doing a great job sharing your toys this morning!"
• Avoid saying negative things about others. Doing so encourages your child to focus on imperfections.
• Foster gratitude. Ask each family member to share something they are thankful for every day. This might be a family ritual you can do at dinner, in the car on the way to school, or before going to bed at night. Your child will soon pick up on the fact that there is always something to be grateful for, whether it’s as big as making a new friend or as simple as hearing a favorite song on the radio.
• Realize that you are not responsible for your child’s happiness. He is. Resist the urge to step in and protect your child from every sadness, disappointment, or frustration. Instead, help your child develop coping strategies and build resilience so that he can deal with setbacks. When a child learns to navigate an unpleasant situation, future problems will seem less intimidating.
• Take control of your own happiness. While you can’t control your child’s happiness, you can take charge of your own. Spend time with those you love. Make time for the things you enjoy -- even if you have to do them on a smaller scale than you would like.
• Find ways to take joy in whatever you do. Whether that means humming while doing chores or seeing humor in a stressful situation, you can show your child how to approach life with a positive attitude.
It’s easier to develop a positive attitude when you’re around positive people. Be one of those positive people for your child. Use the following tips to direct your focus.
• Focus on the positive. Encourage positive dialogue with your child by asking positive questions, such as "What part of the game did you like best?" or "What did you learn at school today?"
• Notice positive behavior. Avoid giving negative feedback for minor behavior issues, such as "Stop arguing!" Try pointing out positive behavior instead, such as, "You two are doing a great job sharing your toys this morning!"
• Avoid saying negative things about others. Doing so encourages your child to focus on imperfections.
• Foster gratitude. Ask each family member to share something they are thankful for every day. This might be a family ritual you can do at dinner, in the car on the way to school, or before going to bed at night. Your child will soon pick up on the fact that there is always something to be grateful for, whether it’s as big as making a new friend or as simple as hearing a favorite song on the radio.
• Realize that you are not responsible for your child’s happiness. He is. Resist the urge to step in and protect your child from every sadness, disappointment, or frustration. Instead, help your child develop coping strategies and build resilience so that he can deal with setbacks. When a child learns to navigate an unpleasant situation, future problems will seem less intimidating.
• Take control of your own happiness. While you can’t control your child’s happiness, you can take charge of your own. Spend time with those you love. Make time for the things you enjoy -- even if you have to do them on a smaller scale than you would like.
• Find ways to take joy in whatever you do. Whether that means humming while doing chores or seeing humor in a stressful situation, you can show your child how to approach life with a positive attitude.
Resources
The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness: Five Steps to Help Kids Create and Sustain Lifelong Joy, by Edward M. Hallowell, M.D. (Ballantine Books, 2003).
The Optimistic Child: A Proven Program to Safeguard Children Against Depression and Build Lifelong Resilience, by Martin E. P. Seligman, Ph.D. (Mariner Books, 2007).
Written with the help of Joan Costley, M.Ed. and doctoral candidate at Harvard Graduate School of Education. Ms. Costley has been working in Massachusetts in the field of child development, early care, and education for 40 years as a teacher, a researcher, a program director, a consultant, and an author.
© 2009 Ceridian Corporation. All rights reserved.
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